Hömmels Angsty Fic

[tempered-rose.livejournal.com]

Title: “Manu, I am in trouble.”
Characters: Benedikt Höwedes/Mats Hummels, Manuel Neuer; Lukas/Basti if you squint & Manu/Nutella
Rating: PG-13
Words: 2730
AO3: Link
A/N: for me (and a little bit for shangrilove) and also definitely for elizaberglund as well. Btw, if anyone’s interested, the song that inspired is this one. This fic is heavy on the angst obviously, cause I wrote it. Comments and concrit are loved. ♥

“Manu, I’m in trouble.” He says and you pause, the phone being gripped a little bit tighter in your hand.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” You ask quickly, already halfway to the hallway, ready to grab your keys and head north as soon as he says the words, whether they’re spoken or not.

He’s quiet for a while. You don’t like it. Benny quiet means he’s thinking or worse, trying to get a grip on his emotions. If he’s having to fight for them something must really be wrong. You don’t speak; you wait. And wait. And finally, finally he comes around, voice so heavy with emotion that you think he may be holding back tears. Not good.

“He’s…He wants…” You frown. He? Mats. Suddenly you think you understand a lot more of what he isn’t saying. “He wants me to come over again. Manu, I can’t.”

You don’t know everything that’s happened between them. Some things are meant to be private and they are both your friends, but Benny is and always will be more so than Mats. Benny is your priority now. You would do anything for the man that took your place at Schalke; do anything for the first boy you kissed and who you loved first. You’d do anything at all that he asked and more if you could.

“What happened?” You ask, knowing that he and Mats had spent the previous few nights and days together. Benedikt goes quiet again and you wait again. You don’t question if the phone lost the connection; Benny would never do that to you. You wait for him to find the words he’s looking for.

Finally you hear a sigh and listen raptly.


“So just stay, we can sort it out later.” Mats says with a shrug and pulls Benedikt closer in the bed. “I don’t want you to leave me yet. Packing can wait.”

Benny smiles and rubs Mats’ arm that rests wrapped around his waist. He’s completely and entirely happy here, like this. It’s been too long since they could enjoy a quiet night together. Too much drama in the real world, broken up by a perfect month of utter happiness in Brazil. So much happiness, it felt as if his heart would burst.

Benedikt is foolish enough to say it, then in that moment.

“I love you, Mats.”

He shouldn’t have spoken. Instantly, he feels the tension in Mats’ arm and a silent curtain falls between them. Benedikt closes his eyes and hopes Mats remembers the perfect moments of the past few days, the past month and that Mats could settle down before the argument can get started.

He doesn’t.


“I told him it was the last time, and I left.” Benedikt finishes and you wince inwardly. Benny wasn’t one for drama, but he could be pushed if the right buttons were smashed and it sounds as if Mats did just exactly that. Again. You stay quiet after he finishes.

It sounds as if he isn’t done, and you won’t dare interrupt his thoughts. Besides, you’re not quite sure what to say exactly.

You guess that Philipp would offer strong words of encouragement, that he did the right thing by leaving and now he needed to put Mats behind him. You shake your head; Benedikt loves Mats, probably always will. That would be too cold. Thomas would say something amusing, earning a smile most likely but no real substance or advice. There was a time to smile and a time to be sad, now wasn’t the time for smiles. Bastian would probably know exactly what to say to smooth Benedikt’s hurt feelings and heal and repair the wounds Mats caused. Hell, Bastian could probably fix Mats’ perspective on things as well. Bastian was an expert at things like this.

You aren’t. You fumble through relationship matters like you’re a two-year old trying to learn to tie your shoes for the first time. You are no wordsmith, no counsellor. You don’t lead and set examples for people. You’re awkward and shy and you try to mind your own business as much as possible. There’s never been a great love of your life and you’re grateful for it. It always seems to bring such drama. Just look at Lukas and Basti, Mats and Benedikt… It was probably for the best that you were single, even if you were made fun of for your love of Nutella.

“Manu, why can’t he just…act normally about this? Why can’t he think before he reacts to things? Why does he have to be so damn annoying?” Benedikt’s words spill out at a rapid pace, thoughts like a runaway train. You can only imagine what his head must be going through. You manage the only thing you can say to him and grimace as it comes out loud and not the gentle way you meant.

“I don’t know, Ben.” You don’t know. You never could. You’ve never loved anyone that much before.

He’s quiet another moment. “Neither do I.”


It’s not always bad between them, something Benedikt is positively grateful for. Sometimes he forgets how bad it can be when it’s good like this. He’s the most beautiful person in the world that he’d ever seen, fortunately Mats tells him the same about himself. Benny smiles. He catches Mats watching him in the shower, staring at his abs, his chest, his cock. He grins to himself as he washes off the soap.

He has his eyes closed to rinse the shampoo from his hair when an arm comes around his waist, pulling him closer. Benedikt’s mouth is open and slanted over Mats’ before he realized he moved.


“Do you…do you want me to come over?” You ask after a long period of extended silence. You’re frustrated because you just don’t have the words.

“Don’t you have training tomorrow?” He asked and you shrug. You do, but…you’re always there. Surely the manager wouldn’t mind if you took just one day off?

“So? You’re my friend.”

“Manu, I can’t ask you to do that.” He says, and you feel a little disappointed. You just wanted to help him, be there for him. The way he was for you when the Ultra’s wouldn’t let you forget your previous allegiance and its change and you didn’t know what to do.

“I don’t mind,” you say. “I’m offering. I can be there in several hours.” You wish you could teleport. You’d be there so much faster, hugging him and letting him rant and rave or sit and be silent as he wished. You’ve moved over to the table by the door. Your hand rests over the ring of your car keys and you only have to close your hand around them before you’d be rushing for the door and on the way to him.

“No, don’t.” He replies after another pregnant pause. “Come during the weekend when you won’t be missed as much.”

The invitation for later is enough to settle you, for now. You still want to go, but you relax slightly. Your hand slides off the keys. “If you’re sure…?”

“Yes. Thank you, Manu for the offer.”

You aren’t who he wants to see; you know that. You really aren’t surprised.


“I could dump her you know. Then we could go public and be together.” He says and Benedikt almost believes him. If it weren’t for the glint in his eye and the teasing smile on his face, he would have. “Wouldn’t that be something?”

Benedikt feels the hurt in his chest. Mats always lured him in with sweet words and pretty smiles, only to abruptly shift away from him, hurting him more than he thought possible time and time again.

“Yeah, it would be something all right.”


You’ve moved again, this time you’re upstairs in your bedroom. Benny’s been talking to you for almost three hours at this point. Only now he’s actually talking, not just sitting quietly. But he isn’t talking about Mats at all, not that you mind. You enjoy listening to his stories about his family and the old friends you both used to have. He talks about memories past from ‘the Good old Days’ as he calls it, you just call it that time of your life when you were at Schalke. You don’t tell him that, of course.

It’s calls like this that make you miss him sometimes. You miss the times together sharing a room the night before a big match. Both young and sometimes you’d forget you are older since he sounds so much more mature. He is far more confident than you, far more attractive but still he finds time for you. You feel special when you’re with him. No wonder you liked him so much of developing a crush on him back then.

You don’t love him now, but you still kept your fondness for him. It’s why you like to protect him. It’s why you like to care for him. He lets you. Perhaps he knows how you felt then. Perhaps he didn’t. It didn’t matter. He lets you and you don’t mind in the least. It gives you something to do, something to make you feel needed.


Benedikt hates him as much as he loves him, and that’s a lot. He hates how Mats can turn the head of anyone with a look that’s supposed to be saved only for them. He hates how Mats does or says things without thinking of repercussions. He hates that it can’t ever be real between them, too many secrets and shadows to hide in to ever be real. Neither of them would risk everything for one another. It’s a shame and he hates it.

He loves it when Mats lets him call late at night before a game to talk about everything and nothing. He loves when Mats makes him laugh or brings him to the highest form of pleasure he’s ever known with his mouth, his tongue, his hands, his cock, everything. He loves Mats. He needs him around.

It still doesn’t change the fact that Benedikt hates he can’t stop thinking about Mats even when he doesn’t want to. He can’t stop. And he hates that he doesn’t want to either.


You feel drowsy and you think it’s a brilliant idea that Benny didn’t let you drive up there after all. You’d have been exhausted once you arrived and therefore unable to comfort him the way he deserved. Besides, this was a lot better anyway. You’d relaxed and just chit-chatted. He seems better know; he’s laughed a few times, genuinely. You made him do that and you smile to yourself.

“Manu,” he says, tone shifting and you tense instantaneously. “I’m in trouble. I can’t get him out of my head.”

You stay quiet, again unsure of what to say.

“Do you want to get him out?” You ask, simply for something to say. It seems to help.

“Sometimes.”

“Are the sometimes more than the no’s?”

Benedikt stays quiet, almost as long as the pause that originally started this entire phone conversation. You wonder if he fell asleep waiting on you, then you feel bad for thinking that. Of course he didn’t. You can hear his breathing.

“I don’t think so.”

You stay quiet and think about your friends.

Philipp at this point probably would’ve told him to make up his mind and have hung up on him. No, that’s not right. Fips never would’ve stayed on the phone this long. He would’ve told him that hours ago.

Thomas likely would tell him to go to Mats, kiss him, fuck him, then dump him or whatever would make him happy. Thomas was so simple and uncomplicated about things. ‘Do what makes you happy’ he would say and then contentedly carry on the conversation, making jokes and teasing as much as possible throughout it.

Bastian would be giving excellent advice, so excellent that Benny probably would’ve taken notes, mental ones, and have hung up already to go and try out the ideas. Bastian probably would’ve encouraged talking to Mats, sharing their feelings, and try to make it work if that’s what they wanted to do. Bastian probably would’ve gotten Benny into the right place a lot faster.

Whereas you, you just talked about Schalke, football, anything that wasn’t Mats for the past three hours. You’ve made plans to meet up in a few days and just hang out like the old days. You’re already looking forward to it. But first you need to get off this phone. First you need Benny to feel better.

First you need to find some decent words.


Benedikt wants to tell him. He feels that he needs to tell him. It’s three words; they can’t be that hard to say. He sees Mats playing the video game on the sofa in front of him as he finishes dinner and carries over to the table. He sets the plates down and sits down on the sofa, watching his on-again, off-again boyfriend destroy some monster in the digital world he’s hooked into.

When Mats looks over to him, a grateful smile for the food and he pauses the game, he thinks now’s a perfect time as any to tell him. He opens his mouth to do just that when a loud knock sounds on Mats’ hotel room door. It’s flung open before either of them can react and in bounds Thomas, carrying a box full of balloons announcing that they have to get ready for the party. Benedikt knows nothing about a party, and wants to tell him to get lost, but Mats is already up and looking through the box of balloons with Thomas.

Mats’ dinner remains untouched where he left it on the coffee table next to the game controller.


“Benny, I want you to be happy. What would make you happy?” You ask quietly.

“I don’t know Manu.” He says with a sigh. You guess that Mats would make him happy, but only if he promised to be loyal and true and not string him along at times would make Benny happier than anything in the world. But you can’t promise him that. No one can, not even Mats himself.

“Then I guess you’ll have to think of something,” you start, mouth running without your brain’s permission. “Because when I get to Gelsenkirchen we’re going to make you happy.”

You hear him smile and you feel glad you didn’t say something wrong, or make a promise you couldn’t keep. Then you hear him yawn.

“Sounds like a plan, Manu.” He shifts, you guess he was on his bed too. He groans. “Fuck, it’s almost two in the morning. You’re a good friend, Manu for listening to me go on about this…” You hear his tone start to get downtrodden again. Your runaway mouth jumps in again.

“Don’t. I will always listen to you.” Always, always, always. You don’t say that, but you mean it.

“Well, thank you Manuel. You should get some rest. I’ll see you at the weekend.” You nod, despite the fact he can’t see it.

“Yes, so think of something to make you happy. Anything at all and we’ll do it.” You promise.

“Okay. I love you Manuel.” He says and then you pause. You assume he means as a friend so you reply back, almost as if there had been no hesitation. Your voice is genuine.

“I love you too.” He says his goodbye a moment later, relief in his voice.

You let the phone fall from your hand onto your mattress as you think about what happened. Your eyes stay closed and you silently hope, wish that Benny finds his happiness whether it is with Mats or without. Anyone who doesn’t love or appreciate Benedikt is a fool.

You think that Mats is a fool. After this conversation, you can almost guarantee it.

It’s not always bad between them, you know that. Yawning, you settle into your bed and start to fall asleep even with the lights on because you’re too tired to get up and turn them off. Your dreams carry you to a place where Germany’s number four and number five are holding hands while walking out of the stadium and the sun sets behind them. You smile in your sleep, subconsciously hoping that one day it’ll come true.