FIC!

[tempered-rose.livejournal.com]

Title: You’re Still Here
Characters: Jamie Carragher/Steven Gerrard; Daniel Agger/Martin Skrtel, Pepe Reina, implied Steven/Michael Owen
Rating: PG-13
Summary: I thought I saw you today. You were standing in the sun and you turned away
Words: 3,656
A/N: for spartan_muse who shares my love of all things angst and Jamie/Stevie and other Stevie pairings. So I guess you could say this fic is very angsty. It’s also sort of based on this song. Kind of. I hope you like it :-)

Sometimes such simple little things hurt the most. Such little things other people wouldn’t notice felt like a thousand knives piercing his flesh and causing him such great pain that he thought it was amazing he was still standing upright. Sometimes he couldn’t stand at all and had to lie down. Sometimes he never left his bed.

But those times were behind him now. They had only been when it had first happened, the first team had been Real Madrid and then Liverpool was struggling. But oh, oh what Liverpool accomplished that year. In the face of such overwhelming odds and adversity, they managed to rise higher than anyone and they snatched glory from what seemed to be certain defeat. Their fifth European title. Their fifth cup.

The cup Michael had never won.

Steven sighed quietly to himself. He promised he wasn’t going to say that name, even in his thoughts, ever again. Why couldn’t he remember that?

He knew the answer, because no matter how he tried Michael was still very much in his head and, therefore, in anything else Steven did.

Oh it wasn’t so obvious or so dramatic that every thought Steven had was of Michael. Special occasions were not ruined because Mister Owen wasn’t in attendance. Holidays were not bittersweet because Michael was out somewhere again. Victories in that red shirt weren’t as meaningful because Mikey was gone. Steven wasn’t quite that sentimental. He was also too busy to think about any one person that much. He was also too bloody hard-headed to be so obsessed with one person. With Michael.

It wasn’t that Steven would see Michael in the shadows, lurking in the darkness waiting to jump out and smile or give good ol’ Stevie some stick like he had done when they were children. It wasn’t that Steven looked into rays of sunshine and saw that boyish smile before Michael would disappear back into the figment of Steven’s imagination. It wasn’t that Steven would hear an old song that he and Michael used to do karaoke to and that he would have to smile in fond sadness that his best mate was gone. It wasn’t that sentimental.

But, there were those little things.

The little things like when a stranger laughed and for a few moments it was almost like it was Michael’s old laugh. The laugh before they both had had to grow up and accept reality for what it was. The little things like the way Steven would make his morning coffee and he accidentally put one too many drops of cream into it how the color would be like Michael’s eyes when he was happy. The little things like when the kitman changed laundry soaps back to the old ones he used to use when Michael was still number ten and Steven would have to hold his shirt up to his nose and let the smell take over. The little things like little phrases the ‘old squad’ would say that Michael had indeed said with them. The little things like always hoping that the same boy would walk back down the halls of Melwood and they’d go to training together and that the past few years hadn’t actually ever happened. The little hope that all of it was a dream, an elaborate dream that wasn’t real.

The little things like still being in love with a ghost of a memory. Those little things still hurt.

-~-

That look was back on his face, Jamie realized with a heaviness grow in his heart. For a moment he wanted to curse and throw something but he was quick to get over it. That would do nothing and then he would have probably damaged something valuable. Besides, Steven might not even notice if he was too far gone inside his own head. That happened sometimes.

Jamie looked around to see what it was that had done it this time but he didn’t see anything. All he saw was some sunlight streaming in through the branches of trees but that wasn’t anything important. They were at a park, sat on one of the benches enjoying the shade from the sun. It had been Steven’s idea to get out of the flat and enjoy the nice weather for a change. Jamie had been quick to agree, the idea that they might enjoy a few minutes together without terribly many interruptions.

He should have known better than that.

Sometimes Steven was normal, unhurt and the best guy in the world. Sometimes Steven would be exciting, relaxing, calming, wonderful. He’d be the first choice for a beer; the first man he would call if he needed a buddy for snooker. Steven would be the one if he needed a shoulder to lean on or a mate to listen to a problem. Steven was great about things like that. He never seemed to mind; he did like to listen. He was a lot quieter and more rational about some problems that some people seemed to think. Perhaps that was why he’d been given the armband and why Jamie would always be the man under him.

He laughed a little to himself at that thought. When Steven didn’t even look over, Jamie’s chuckle turned to a small quiet sigh. He looked down at his hands and he could feel it as his shoulders slumped. He had tried to love Steven for so long but it seemed he had failed.

Failed, no, that wasn’t it. That wasn’t accurate enough. Jamie shook his head and altered his thought. He hadn’t failed because he had never stood a chance in the first place. He loved a man that would never truly love him back as anything more than a friend—he had known that when he had first started being more intimate with Steven. Steven had, and always would, be with Michael. Maybe not physically, not anymore, but emotionally? Steven would never be his to have.

Jamie felt his throat start to thicken a little as he felt an unexpected wave of emotion overwhelm him. He never liked anything he didn’t want to hear but the truth was standing as obvious in front of him as if it were the tallest beam of light in all the world. It was something he could not hide from, no matter how much he desperately wished he could.

Steven would not ever love him, not that way. Not the way Jamie wanted and, maybe, needed him to love him. His heart was not Jamie’s to have, because even Steven didn’t really have it anymore. Michael did.

But where was Michael? Jamie wanted to shout. He wanted to grab Steven by the shoulders and shake him until he could just see that Michael wasn’t there, he never had been as loyal to the badge as they both had been in the first place. Michael was gone, never to return back and why just why couldn’t he see that? It was obvious to anyone, everyone, that Michael had just fucked off when things had gotten too hard and had become too much to deal with. Why couldn’t Steven get that? Why couldn’t he care about the boy that had just turned his back on Liverpool and gone? Why couldn’t he get past the boy that had smiled, told funny jokes, and had kissed so well? Why couldn’t he get past a stupid little crush?

Why couldn’t Steven see how long Jamie had been there? Why couldn’t he see that Jamie was as loyal as anyone? Why couldn’t he see that Jamie had swept up all the pieces and glued them back together? Why couldn’t he see? Just…why?

Jamie shook his head. The answers would never be there for him to find. He couldn’t see them, just like Steven could not see.

-~-

“You still love him, don’t you?”

It was a stupid question, one he obviously knew the answer to, but still he asked it. Jamie was pretty sure it was the few beers he had had mixed with bored curiosity. And the need to get the two lads across the table from him to stop staring into one another’s eyes. It was going to make him ill; he was almost certain of it.

Daniel raised his eyebrow and looked over at the Scouser. “If you mean Martin here,” he said while resting his hand on Martin’s arm, “then I have never stopped. I have loved him and I will always love him.”

Jamie noticed Martin duck his head a little bit and made the mental note that Skrtel could be embarrassed by Daniel’s love confessions.

“Always is a long time, isn’t it lad?” Jamie asked taking another sip of the last beer he had ordered.

Daniel watched him for a moment before he shrugged a shoulder. “Some things don’t need years’ of study to know that they are fact. Martin is my lover, my best friend, everything. I need nothing else. I need, nor want, anyone else.”

Martin blushed but Jamie pressed ahead with a skeptical look.

“Nobody else?”

Daniel shook his head. “Sure, I find other men attractive, even a few women. Beauty is in everything, it must be found first. But I want no other person the way I want Martin. Call it stupid, call it cliché but when Martin’s around everything just...fits. It all makes sense.”

Jamie kept his skeptical look and turned to Martin. “What about you? Do you think he is Mister Perfect?”

Martin swallowed a few times before he looked up. “He’s not perfect, but neither am I. I accept and love him for who he is, not for what he isn’t or what I wish he was. There isn’t anything I would change about him.”

Daniel was pleased by this answer, enough so to lean over and kiss Martin’s cheek. Jamie thought that was a bold move, especially in a crowded pub and there were—but when Jamie looked round, the pub was much less empty than it had been a few minutes ago. He looked at his watch. All right, a few hours ago. He shook his head and groaned.

“I should go,” Jamie said reaching for the wad of bills in his pocket for the tab. Daniel rested his hand on Jamie’s arm and looked into his eyes.

“Haven’t you ever loved anyone for who they are, not who they could be or what you wanted them to be?”

Jamie’s throat grew dry as he looked back into Daniel’s clear eyes. He wanted to say ‘yes! Of course I have!’ but he found himself silent. With a slight jerk of his head, he shook it and Daniel withdrew his hand. Jamie wasn’t drunk enough to miss the look of disappointment on his face.

“Oh. That’s a shame.” Daniel replied simply. “Have a good night Jamie.”

Jamie went home that night but no matter how many times he tried, he couldn’t get Daniel’s face out of his head every time his eyes shut.

-~-

The picture was large as it covered the front of the sports section. The headline was louder than any microphone’s amplification, though, as it shouted in big bold letters: Owen Joins United.

Steven didn’t think he would be able to blame the ones that would be in the streets later burning old Liverpool shirts with the number ten on them. The paper crumpled in his grip before it was thrown across the room.

As the Captain of Liverpool rose to his feet, he made a solemn vow to burn that piece of garbage when he returned home from training. Though, whether he meant the paper or the man responsible for the article in the first place, he wasn’t quite sure.

-~-

The news of the latest signing for Manchester United was one that put a discontented feeling of awkwardness around the Liverpool training ground that day. Any member of the old squad, the few that were left that was, that had known Owen when he had played trained a little off from the others. Carra was too hard on his tackles and Steven was too inaccurate with his passes that he couldn’t have blamed it on a groin problem even if anyone would have asked.

Jamie looked over at Steven warily and watched him. The dark look burning in his eyes prevented him from asking anything. Really, he didn’t have to. Steven was hurting; a blind man could see that.

Pepe took Steven’s usual spot during the post-training cool down and Jamie found himself enjoying the Spaniard’s company. Pepe was always keen on a chuckle and could make anyone laugh almost any time. But even he could not get a smile or anything more from the Captain. Not even the Mancs being relegated would do it, Jamie thought. But then again, that might help…

He shook his head and Pepe frowned.

“Something wrong?” He asked, grabbing a water bottle as the jogging ceased.

“No, it’s okay.” Jamie replied with a sigh.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a shit liar? Come on, Jamie, make me believe you.” Pepe deadpanned.

Jamie nudged his shoulder. “It’s okay. It will be anyway.”

“This isn’t just about your friend,” at Jamie’s glare, Pepe corrected, “ex-friend, is it?”

Jamie shook his head once, causing Pepe to nod. “Perhaps you should talk to me about the problems you are suffering, my friend.”

“And why would I do that?” They started back to the changing rooms.

“Because I am a master of giving one great advice. And I’m a curious soul and need some new gossip to spread around.” Pepe grinned at the last and Jamie felt a smile lifting the corners of his lips.

He knew full well that Pepe wouldn’t say anything. He was a good friend like that.

“Well, I guess I could stop by yours later and we could have a pint or two.”


‘A pint or two’ turned into four, then six, then Jamie lost count as he and Pepe auditioned for X-Factor in the latter’s house using the former’s IPod as audition music. It was ridiculous, and certainly something that wasn’t befitting the captain—vice or not—of Liverpool Football Club. It wasn’t gentlemanly. Sod it Carragher, have some fun his brain told himself.

So he did.

It was two in the morning before he and Pepe decided that there had been enough auditioning going on and they had collapsed onto the sofa with drunken laughter. Jamie released a long breath and smiled a little.

“This was fun.” He said, drunken grin in place as he looked over. Pepe smiled brightly.

“I’m glad.” He slurred something in Spanish but Jamie wasn’t concerned enough to figure out what he said.

“I should probably get on now—” Jamie said while trying to get up. He missed Pepe’s frown or noise of protest due to the groan of labor it took to try and get up. As he flopped back against the cushions, Jamie’s groan turned into a bemused laugh.

“Might if I crash here? I don’t think I can get up.”

Pepe nodded slowly. “Si, yes, of course. I’ll get a blanket.”

Jamie wondered how the Spaniard could get up so easily. He didn’t dwell on it much longer, though, because by the time Pepe had returned with a blanket and a pillow, Jamie had already passed out and was snoring on the sofa.

-~-

“Where were you the other night?”

It was a question Jamie was surprised to hear, especially from Steven.

“I was with Pepe. We went drinking.”

Steven’s hands stilled on the cue he held above his pool table. He looked up and saw Carra chalking up his cue, oblivious to the shift that had just taken place.

“Drinking? He your new best mate or something?” Steven asked as he channeled his sudden annoyance into hitting the cue ball. He missed his shot and cursed under his breath.

Jamie frowned. “No. Just went drinking once. Relax mate.” He shook his head and prepared his own shot.

‘Relax mate’. Steven repeated the words inside his head and he could imagine somebody else saying that and he’d believe it. But this was Jamie. Jamie, Mister reliable. Jamie, the guy that was always nearby if he needed him. Jamie, Jamie who was never hard to find if he looked for him.

“Well don’t just disappear like that.” Steven frowned and Jamie froze.

“Me, disappear. On you.” Jamie looked up. “Really Steven?”

Steven’s eyebrow rose. “What? You were gone. Didn’t answer your phone all night.”

Jamie stood up and set the cue on the table before he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Steven, I didn’t disappear. I told you I was going out, I even asked you to come over but you said no and fucked off home. Plus, even if I did disappear for one night, it’s not like you haven’t ever done it to me. You’ve just fucked off and gone God knows where for a few days before you came back. You never talked about those trips, and I stopped asking, but do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you know what it’s like to have your best mate just fuck off without a word for a few days? Do you know what that is like?”

It was a whisper and a darkening due to sadness that shone in his eyes, but Steven replied. “Yes. I do know.”

Jamie sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Steven shrugged and turned away. “Let’s not talk anymore today.”

Jamie sighed as his acceptance was silently given. No more talking. No more facing the truth. At least not for Steven. He would be too busy dealing with the ghosts in his head to pay any more attention to Jamie today.

All because Jamie had to go one step over the line and push Steven into a place he didn’t want to be pushed.

-~-

Another night, same pub, another pint. The team was spread about the pub laughing with the locals and enjoying their drinks and the feeling of happiness that came with winning the weekend match. Jamie had had enough pleasantries for the evening and was tucked in the corner nursing one pint in particular while Steven ignored him unintentionally for the duty that came from being captain.

Pepe joined him and Jamie smiled.

“Good job today,” he said, not for the first time since match’s end.

Pepe nodded and smiled as he shifted closer in the booth. “It’s a nice night, yes?”

“I guess so.” Jamie smiled a little.

Pepe’s frown was one of concern and he followed Jamie’s line of sight until he saw Steven. It seemed that the Spaniard was a little bit quicker on the uptake than Jamie thought. Too quick for him to make up a phony excuse about watching Steven joke around with the lads.

“You like him. More than as your friend.” Pepe stated simply. Jamie watched him carefully as he nodded once. “You love him.”

Jamie let out a breath and looked at the table. “I guess so.”

Pepe shook his head. “No. You do. Otherwise you would not look so sad.”

Jamie’s head rose up and he frowned. “I’m not looking sad! I don’t look sad!”

Pepe shot him a skeptical look. “You’re in a bar, by yourself, in the corner, watching Steven. That’s not sad, that’s pathetic.”

Jamie growled quietly and he pushed on Pepe’s arm. “Shut up.”

Pepe did stay quiet, but only for a moment. “So why don’t you tell him you love him?”

Jamie groaned. He did not want to have this conversation in a pub or with Pepe. Hell, he didn’t want to be having it at all.

“Can we not talk about this?”

“Does he not love you?”

Jamie sighed. “No, he doesn’t. Happy now?”

Pepe’s hand rested on his arm. “I’m sorry.” He said gently.

Jamie pulled his arm away and shook his head. “I don’t want pity.”

“It’s not pity, Jamie. I am sorry for you that you hurt. Because I know what it’s like to love somebody that doesn’t love back.”

Jamie’s head turned back to Pepe fast enough that he almost developed a crick in his neck. His eyes widened in surprise. Pepe was a victim of unrequited love?

“What knobhead is stupid enough not to love you? You’re a great bloke!” Jamie said in surprise.

Pepe smiled most humbly and lowered his eyes for a moment before he looked back up.

“Well, Jamie. You are.”

Jamie’s mouth opened for a quick reply but then his brain caught up with Pepe’s words. His cheeks reddened.

“Oh.”

Pepe laughed softly and patted Jamie’s arm. “Yeah. Oh.”

-~-

Steven rested his head on his arm that was crossed behind his bed. He stared at the ceiling and heard the heater kick on from across the room. He was comfortable, very much so, but there was still something missing. Something wasn’t quite right.

Jamie came out of the bathroom, kicking the door shut, and moved across the room to get into his own bed.

“Oy, over here Carragher.” Steven said when he noticed.

Jamie’s eyebrow rose. “You sure?”

“Get over here before I change my mind.”

Jamie shook his head but picked up a pillow and threw it onto Steven’s bed. He crossed the small amount of carpeted floor with one step and nudged Steven’s side.

“Move over then love. You’re not exactly tiny.”

“You’re not exactly small either, Carragher.”

“You haven’t complained before.”

Steven smirked. “And I’m not about to start now.”

Jamie’s smirk matched Steven’s as he pulled him closer under the blanket.


Steven sighed contentedly a little while later. Jamie was snoring and that bit was annoying. But, well, he guessed it was the little things that made life so special in the first place.

As Jamie instinctively pulled Steven closer in his sleep, Stevie grinned to himself. Yep. It was definitely the little things.