Care For You

[tempered-rose.livejournal.com]

Title: Care For You
Pairing: Jamie Carragher/Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher/Fernando Torres, Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso implied
Rating: R
Words: 2259
A/N: Because of this comment I got a fic idea and well…I had to do it. Dedicated completely to nicole811 because she really wanted me to write this. <3 *hugs you sweetie* Originally, this was going to be more graphic than what it is, but I decided that it reads better this way. Sorry to those that were expecting more =-(

I also suggest listening to this while reading it because it sets the mood well I think.

This takes place both this past summer and into next spring. So naturally, it’s fiction.



HE HAD ALWAYS KNOWN that, were Xabi to leave Liverpool, a piece of his heart would shatter. Steven really never took the time to search himself to find out just how big that piece would be. He always rationalized that if he took that moment to do that, to use those seconds of searching, then that would always make the possibility of a transfer real.

That alone was something that Steven never wanted to think about. It had taken him months, almost a year, to realize that he actually loved the Spaniard. But to think about the thought of loosing him, well…that was unacceptable. He never wanted to loose his lover; he did not even want to think of it.

But then the summer had come. Rumors had flown about. And to make those rumors worse, Xabi stopped meeting his eyes, stopped calling. Fear drove Steven to recognize that he was loosing his precious Xabi and he was helpless to stop it. It was as if he were in a sea of time during a hurricane; moments passed faster and faster like waves pushing him under until the great mass of water had become days and then a flurry of weeks. By the time Steven had broken the surface, it was too late. Xabi’s papers were signed and he had left him for Madrid and the promise of a new life.

Steven felt as if he had been kicked when he was down. Felt as if God were playing the cruelest joke on him. Those first few days after Xabi had left the country, left the club, left him, went so agonizingly slowly for him that he was sure to be driven mad. Time that had recently flown by, hardly in existence, now dragged on and on. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days.

Alex picked up on his mood but determined it was due to the fact that Xabi, his best friend, had left. She was correct to a degree. If she knew the extent of his relationship with the Spaniard, he was certain she would leave him without a single look back and take their daughters along with her.

Now training sessions seemed to last weeks instead of hours when they used to flow by because Xabi was always there. A joke that all the young recruits thought about training taking hours, but now he saw it for a different reason. The young boys now seemed to view their new positions at Liverpool Football Club much the same way a child in a shop eyes all the pretty shiny things. He saw them as anguishing and painful and just so dreary and dark. Everything was dreary and dark without Xabi.

Even the club’s start to the season started as a trip at the line instead of the sprint they had hoped for. Interviews said that the lads missed Xabi, how right they were but none knew to the extent in which the captain missed the midfielder. Meanwhile news, traveling faster than time ever would, arrived of how well Xabi was doing with Madrid and how the ‘super’ team was surely going to win La Liga and as many trophies they could claim, everyone else be damned.

The praise of the Spanish team came like a stab in the back. His heart, too beaten and bruised to be hurt any further, was given way to his back. It felt as if the knife penetrated his flesh and was thrust so deeply inside his body that he pitched forward, unable to fully realize what was happening.

So Steven slipped below the waves of time once again. He honestly couldn’t say if he ever wanted to resurface…



It wasn’t until a cold January morning that Steven was smacked across the face and be forced to be pulled upwards to take a breath of the temptingly sweet air that had been deprived his lungs too long.

From the summer that Xabi left till January, Steven had lived his life as perfectly as he could. He had shut down all emotions in the process, except those that catered to his two daughters. But even those precious moments were more subdued. He played his sport as perfectly as he could; he was the most attentive husband. He shut his mind down as best he could, just so he could live through the days with the least amount of pain possible.

Fernando and Jamie saw what their friend, their captain, was doing. And after months of trying strategy after strategy to get their friend back, with no result for the positive, they then resorted to conjecture. They slid seemingly innocent questions about hypothetical situations to their wives about what women would do if a dear friend of theirs lost the man they loved and slid into a depression. The answers varied but when they combined them, they were pleased with their conclusions.

The philosophy they had come to derive with the aid of their wives was that if someone were to experience a shock, not a physical one but an emotional one, and if the shock was big enough, then perhaps a person could be forced out of their depression. They would be forced to react to come out of their stupor.

Then the two friends searched their minds to come up with what would constitute as being a big enough shock. After a few listless moments, they turned to each other with pleased, bemused expressions. They shared the same formulation and agreed that perhaps this was the best course of action. It wasn’t, after all, like they themselves weren’t interested in the captain… Carragher leaned over and gave his own Spaniard a deep kiss, albeit short, before he stood. Putting a hand forward to help his blonde from where he sat, Jamie confessed that after training the next day would be the time to act. Fernando agreed and soon the two were on their way back to the apartment they had together, that their wives knew nothing about, for a short time together.

Afterwards, as Fernando lie comfortable in Jamie’s arms, he voiced his thought that had been bothering him ever since they had come up with this plot. Jamie mulled over Fernando’s words and seemed to agree.

“We must make him one of us, then.” Jamie kissed Fernando’s head. Somehow, some way, they would make this work.


Training had finally, finally ended and the captain was headed for the showers. He had only missed one shot on goal, Pepe was a very qualified keeper, and that bothered him. It meant that he was not perfect and that he lacked the skill necessary to be perfect. It was bringing up emotions that he didn’t want to feel—any sort of emotion at all.

To further his dismay, he was called in Rafa’s office. The Liverpool manager wanted to discuss tactics which was all well and good, but did it have to be now? Steven scolded himself for wanting, another cursed emotion, and paid even stricter attention to the manager.

On his way out the door, an hour after he had gone in, Rafa called out one last thing that had Steven searching his inner being. “Steven, don’t forget that there is another life to be lived, not the one of the footballer.”

Steven looked over his shoulder and saw that the other man was giving him a look. He simply nodded and walked on out the door.

Since he had been detained, the squad had filtered out and had disbanded. Steven sighed. He could remember when he and Xabi used to wait till— Steven ordered himself to stop that thought in its tracks. He refused to think about the man who was helping Madrid win trophies. Liverpool would be lucky to make a run for one, Real was guaranteed at least two.

With frustration hot in his blood, he slammed his locker door shut and headed for the showers. As soon as he stepped in, he stood stock-still.

Later, he would say that he should have known something was up. He should have paid attention to the sounds around him instead of listening to the memories that floated around in his head. Plus, those two were always together these days…

There, in plain view of anyone who dared walk in, against the wall, Jamie had Nando and was kissing him as he fucked him into the tiles. Steven had really never thought about Jamie that way before, but he reckoned it would make sense. Nando was very easy to look at…

The Spaniard in question moaned long and low. The sound went straight to Steven’s groin. The familiar sensation of hot lust ran through his bloodstream and it was enough to make him gasp and his eyes to widen. When the ‘oh Dios Jamie’ fell from Fernando’s mouth, Steven couldn’t take anymore of the visual show. He flew from the showers and tried to repress all the things that were running through his mind. Lust, want, desire were the main things but also anger and jealousy.

He jealously wanted someone the way Jamie and Nando so clearly had each other. He was angry with Xabi for leaving and he was angry with himself for allowing it. He wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough for him anymore. He wanted to know why they couldn’t have talked things out and tried to make them work before the Spaniard gave up on them.

Steven stared at the inside of his locker door without really seeing the contents. Everything swam in a haze of water that had suddenly pooled in his eyes. He was angry but most of all he was sad. He hadn’t been good enough for Xabi. That’s what it all boiled down to. He wasn’t good enough.

“Oh, hiya Stevie.” Fernando’s voice washed over the room but Steven was too lost inside his mind to hear him. The Spaniard looked at his lover who had just come out of the showers. He mouthed the words ‘did it work?’ but Jamie shrugged.

“Steven?” Jamie asked coming closer. Perhaps it was the fact that Jamie was his best mate or maybe it was the deeper voice that was calm and concerned that did it. Steven came out of his self-induced trance and looked over at his mate. He opened his mouth to speak but instead of words, a gargled sound followed by tears is what escaped.

Steven sank onto the bench and cried like he never had before, not even when he was a boy. He kept repeating over and over inside his head ‘not good enough, not good enough’ and it seemed with every repetition the tears increased. Nando sat on the bench next to him holding him carefully while Jamie sank onto the floor and put his hands on Steven’s knees. Steven only said ‘not good enough’ aloud once. That was all that Jamie needed to start denying it.

“Steven, you are good enough. You’re damn near perfect. I don’t know what has gotten into you that you think you are less than the next man, but for Christ sake!”

“Then why?” Steven hiccupped but at least the tears had stopped. Anger was sliding back in to replace the sorrow. “Why did Xabi leave? Why wasn’t I good enough for him?”

Jamie stared long into Steven’s eyes before he looked at Nando and the two shared a look. “Steven you were good enough, but…maybe he needed a change. He loved you, he really did Steven. If you think otherwise then you’re a twat. But maybe, he loved his missus and his son more. I don’t know mate, I wish I did.”

Steven blinked at Jamie while the other Scouser’s words sank in. He was right. Completely right. Xabi always was devoted, his family should expect no less. Steven nodded and then he only noticed that Nando was stroking his back softly and Jamie’s thumbs moved over his knees.

“So…you two?” Steven asked to clear the scene a bit. Jamie laughed and Nando smiled.

“Yeah.” Jamie looked at him quizzically again.

“What?” Steven asked, not liking the look that was in Jamie’s eyes.

“We want to know if you want to…” Jamie hesitated but Fernando picked up the slack.

“Join us?”

Steven looked at the Spaniard, shocked, and then back at his mate. He started shaking his head violently. “No offense lads, but you two…well you two are you two. I don’t want to interfere.”

Jamie started to protest his decision but Steven started to speak again. “I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I think I just need to be on my own for a bit now. I’ll be fine I promise. If I ever get back this way again, you two can kick my ass around until I see that I’m being a bloody fool.”

“Can we get that in writing?” Jamie teased and Steven laughed his first real laugh of months.

The three laughed and teased as they got dressed. They did not stop even when they got out to the car park. Steven felt happy and more alive than he had in months. As he waved goodbye to Fernando and Carra and got in his own car, he realized something.

Time that had once moved so quickly and then ever so slowly had sped up to its rightful speed.

Steven shook his head while backing out of his parking space. As he got on the high street, he wondered what Alex was going to have for dinner.