tr_fic | A Special Eternal Heartache Review (Reply)

This post is for

michellejparker and anyone else who cares to read it. It’s about The Eternal Heartache. :)

First of all, I just want to thank you once again for reading it in the first place. This story was the first long story that I ever finished and just that alone made it mean something to me. For you to have read all of it and then write such a heartfelt, brilliant reply to it made me tear up. People don’t usually leave me long reviews, so I really honestly do love when people do. Yours was an exception not only because of how long it was, but how you addressed the story. Thank you for doing that, I really love that you did.

Now I’ll get back to your review. :)

I wondered, at first, whether there is any sense in writing to you because maybe you forgot about this story, it's no longer a part of your life and you just, as to say, don't give a fuck about it anymore but then again, this fictional story gave me such an entertainment during those two days, you can't even imagine.

I always read my reviews (provided LJ works and sends me a notification D:), even if they are on old stories. To be honest, I love the old-story comments better because that means somebody took the trouble to go back and read them. So you needn’t worry, I do love comments on everything :)

I felt like walking the streets of Barcelona, visiting the great Camp Nou, living in such an expensive district and just becoming a part of the family the characters made, despite the fact that most of them wasn't even relatives. But it just felt like they all became a huge, supportive and loving family. It felt great to be a part of it even for just two days ;)

I researched like crazy to make sure I had everything down as solidly as I could. I’d never been to Spain, much less Barcelona, so I’m very glad that you could see it. That’s my thing as a writer; I personally have to “see” something. I’m very relieved to know that all that research paid off and that people could feel like they were experiencing what the characters were. That you felt like you were part of the family only adds to that.

Slash stories are definitely my thing but lately I found myself lacking time for such a hobby. I used to write too, not in English though, but also fictional stories and I know what it's like to love the entire audience even if it's just few people at first that truly supports the story and the growing potential of. But then again, I know what it's like to be stuck in front of you computer, with no ideas and no passion. Mostly just with no time to continue writing. That's why you deserve a huge applause for even just finishing the story - something I never managed to do. It's that I'm either lazy as hell or I'm just not good enough but that's not a thing here. Thank you for bringing it to the end even if it took you somewhere about two years. God, I can't imagine waiting months for a new chapter as yesterday I was pissed as hell for a another chapter loading longer than a minute, hahaha. Seriously. It's just completely my thing to get so passionate about a new, interesting whateverthatis that it would take a God himself to drag me out of my room or simply force me doing something else.

The reason this story took so long is partly because I was suffering from pretty severe depression and honestly just didn’t feel like writing it anymore after I had finished NaNo. Although, having said that, about once a month that inspiration would come and I would update. I’m very sorry to the people that did have to wait. I know that must have been very frustrating. :\

I’m honestly surprised with myself for finishing it. I’m very glad I did because it proved to myself that I could do it if and when I found the time.

I would very much like to read your stories, if they were in English. I’m unfortunately not gifted enough with other languages to read anything but that. Maybe one day! And trust me, I’m supremely lazy. That’s why I haven’t really worked on much of anything lately. That and work. :(

At first, I expected this story to contain a lot of sex, violence, abuse and Iker Casillas himself. Not a son of a Jose Mourinho but a goalkeeper of Real Madrid. Me as a complete amateur to this site, I didn't even read your descriptions that those characters here don't represent the real people. Except for the look and name. So imagine my facial expression when I read Cristiano was Cesc and Bojan brother who abused them in a worst way with a company of a completely ignorant mother. It took me few chapters to realize what's going on and firstly, I couldn't get used to it. Silva as a nerd, Villa his further boyfriend. Chente, dear Lord, he's so good looking, being attracted to Cesc and they all there, in a school reality, not a football one. It was hard to convert my thinking but your writing manage to get me all involved into this story.

I sometimes like doing AU’s because you can create wonky pairings and it be totally fine thanks to the world you’ve created. That’s another part I like, making up worlds and scenario’s for the characters to experience. I’m very glad you gave it a shot and did read further. I wouldn’t have gotten such an awesometacular review if you hadn’t, so thank you for giving it that chance! <3 :D

I need to say I didn't like Cesc at first. Okay, I expect to look like a heartless bitch right now but it was something about his person and behavior I didn't find heart-breaking. Sure, child abuse is an awful thing and in my view everyone who physically and emotionally bully another person, kid especially deserve to be in prison forever but I don't know, Cesc was too much of a crying teenage sometimes throughout the story. Maybe it's just me and my aversion towards sobbing boys. But I'm glad, even beyond being glad, enormously happy you didn't turn Bojan and Cesc abuse into Bold and Beautiful story. Maybe I didn't like Cesc at first but he turned out to be a great, full of empathy and strength person who looked after his little brother. Their abuse, even if it still had an impact on their behavior and actions, wasn't a main theme of it all. And here's goes a huge thank to you for that.

You’re not heartless or a bitch. If you didn’t like something, you didn’t like it and that’s perfectly okay. I know the writing, at the beginning especially, wasn’t the best. I think part of that was because I was trying to rush through it for NaNo, but once that was over I could sort of slow down and smell the roses as it were.

I think the abuse in the story was definitely a factor of the boys at first and faded into the middle of the story because that sort of thing sticks with people for a while. They get over with time and some comfort, but nobody just forgets about that. Cesc at the beginning (to me) wasn’t sure how to deal with it properly, all he knew was that he had to take care of his brother because he knew that nobody else would. When someone’s placed in that situation, I think that they can sort of grow numb to certain things even though they might feel angry about it, they aren’t quite sure how to deal with it. Once he was moved out of there and placed into a new environment, I think Cesc realized just how bad things had been and how ridiculously out of sorts things had been. Once he saw what “normal” was and that he could have it, I think he kind of mellowed out a bit and that resentment faded.

At that point in the story, though, you had Iker coming into play. In a way, I think Iker helped Cesc get over the abuse because Cesc had other things to worry about in his life besides what happened to him in the past. At the beginning of their relationship, Iker was good for him in a few ways because he was a sort of solid rock, a good thing. When things changed, Cesc became more brooding about it, but not extremely so because at this point he had a family and friends to support him.

I tried to make it as realistic as I could, because that’s how life works. Sometimes things are sad and don’t seem like there’s an escape, and then there’s a life raft, before some heartbreak happens, but things can still seem bittersweet. Life is a complex range of emotions and I wanted to have a snapshot into that. I can only hope that I succeeded, and I think that I did with this story.

Pep and Raul - I love them so much in here. I guess, as everyone else. And I wish for myself to ever find that kind of a relationship. Mature yet still passionate. With jealousy yet so trustworthy. I wish to find a man who will accept my not so perfect ways of behavior like Raul accepted Pep's and someone who will put ego and pride aside and fight for me, like Pep fought for Raul. By the way, both of them are so good looking, even now when being older, that whenever I read their sex scenes I was just in heaven. And a size of this emotional heaven could be dimensionally close to the one I felt while reading Iker&Cesc.

I wanted Pep to be that person that had never really wanted kids, but once he had them, was a natural, but not quite as natural as Raul was. Raul sort of turned into the mom figure, and I think that’s what Cesc and Bo needed. They needed someone who genuinely cared about them and Pep and Raul did that. They also provided something that was vital that they learned: what a family could (and should!) be.

Family should be people you can count on, rely on, and love through good times and bad ones. It shouldn’t matter if it’s actual blood family or a group of people that you call your own family. That’s what Cesc and Bojan learned. Not only was Pep and Raul their family, but some of their friends were invited into that circle and became their family too.

The fact that Pep and Raul are great lovers and great friends only adds to the fact that they were the normal view. It showed Cesc what a relationship should be and made him see that things with Iker wasn’t quite right, even though he kind of already knew that. Having an example like Pep and Raul for him made it easier I think in the end for him to say no and walk away from Iker.

Yes, here we are. Iker and Cesc. Now prepare girl for my rant, hahah ;) Starting with the epoligue, as I was reading it those hours ago, I didn't know whether I was pissed, relived, sad or happy. I guess I was disappointed with Iker behavior and proud of Cesc mature decision. But it was just something that didn't click on there. As I was reading the last words, lines, seeing the comments below, I couldn't believe it was over. How could it be over? How could Eva just interrupt their conversation? How? Why? I'm pretty sure Iker would melt and soften as Cesc would speak further but Eva just came in and it's over. And Iker didn't say anything. He fucking let him go! WHY!? This fucking Jose Mourinho, this Madridista bastard! (Sorray, I had to hahahah) NO, I DISAGREE. Seriously, I object. I freaking object to this ending. Hahaha, REALLY. I DO. It's not funny at all.

;) I LOVE stories that have angsty heartbreaking endings, but still end on a slight upswing. That’s my weakness >:D at least one of them ;)

I wanted Eva to interrupt them because I didn’t want people thinking that she was a homewrecking, stupid floozy that was only out there for Iker’s money and to have a conflict of interest. I wanted her to be a real, genuine person that people could sympathize for. When you look at it, Eva was in a rut of a situation and she was trapped. In the story, it was implied that Eva was pregnant and that would be a serious situation. Even if she didn’t marry Iker at that point, she still would’ve been forever connected to him. She didn’t really have any other options. I wanted my readers to sympathize for that because we all get put into positions we don’t want to be in at times. Things happen and sometimes they can be very unfortunate.

Iker’s transformation into total douchebag was a thing I wanted to completely climax here. He went from nervous shop-keeper’s assistant at the beginning of the story in the most innocent of all his appearances to this complete dick at the end of the story. I wanted that spectrum to be covered, because I think that’s how truly deviant people are. They can come across as very sincere and genuine only for you to find out later that they are complete asshats. Again, I was going for a spectrum of emotions here and that’s why Iker changed so much.

I think that Cesc just desperately wanted something as a distraction, and in that place he found Iker. Like I said, I think Iker helped him at first but dynamics started changing and you sort of see that Iker is using Cesc just as much as Cesc is using him. By the end though, Iker is a complete jerk and has used Cesc in ways that no one should ever use another person.

The ending of this story was one I knew from the beginning and I hoped I would be able to write it with such emotional power that you just wanted to reach through the screen and punch Iker’s lights out and yet hug Cesc at the same time. I’m glad to see that I somewhat succeeded :)

Iker was supposed to drop this father look a like mask and be himself. For the first time in his life. For the God's sake. Doesn't he understand that money and Eva and expensive shit and beautiful bedroom won't make him happy? That with years his life will be nothing else than a regret? A huge, awful regret of the chances he didn't take and a person he didn't get to love because of the STUPID RULES. He should drop everything and go with Cesc. Or send Cristiano after his father, hahaha.

I think Iker’s character had his own issues to work out, definitely. He’s one of those characters who when they are going through their divorce later in life will realize “damn, I am an asshole” maybe and think back to the ‘good times’. I don’t think that deep-down he is a heartless wretch, I think he just pretends to be. I do believe that in the future he would realize the mistakes he made, not just with Cesc but in general like with his father. Maybe one day he’d change. Maybe… ;)

To be honest, I knew it was coming. The moment I read the chapter when Cesc was lying next to Iker and he was analyzing the situation and his emotions. By the way, this scene and this writing is in my 5 top actions in this story. I have to say, at first I didn't really approve the way you handle their emotional side. Not talking about the views because this vivid words as I sad, transferred me to Barcelona but when I read what Cesc was thinking about their 'relationship' this was it. That's when I was ready to get on my knees and bow every time you would appear my way (too much of the tudors, i guess hahaha). IT WAS DAMN GREAT. I know this line doesn't really say much about how I felt but when I was getting into Cesc mind I was so amazed by the way you handle his thoughts. And the writing was just; bueno, bueno, bueno. I loved it. I loved also how this chapter shows how Fabregas matured. How he developed this brave, strong person inside of him, despite the fact he used to be bullied by his brother.

That scene is Cesc’s turning point when he realizes that things aren’t great and that things with Iker aren’t what a real relationship should be. This scene is also a twist of emotions and a twist of words; it’s also something people can genuinely do to themselves. They can wrap themselves up in a knot of thoughts and not escape.

Cesc grew up and knew that he had a choice to make. He knew it wouldn’t be an easy one and he wouldn’t want to make it, but eventually he was going to run out of time and options. He’d have to make a choice eventually, and he knows that. This chapter shows him slowly starting to deal with that.

The fact that you felt it so completely makes me very happy. It gives me warm fuzzies that it is tangible. I love the feeling of when I write something that people feel that. This story does that in so many ways at so many points of the story, I think that’s one of the things that make it unique and a good story. I hope that doesn’t sound so full of myself.

And Iker. Damn you, Casillas. Damn your body, damn your face, damn your sex skills. You may be a God in bed, but you're a real Devil inside. I just feel sorry for him. For the fact he will never be truly happy in his life. If Cesc couldn't change his mind, then who will? Eva, the bitch, despite she was really nice, she was the same kind of a coward as Iker. This is it. As much as Cesc has changed, realized he no longer wants to be a someones possession, Iker stayed in a place he used to always be. Okay, it's hard and unfair to judge him as we, readers, didn't really have a chance to get to know him as we did know Cesc but his actions speak for himself. In my opinion, he truly cared for Cesc. He did. But he was a one hell of a bastard to not be able to show it properly. His dad's rules managed to take over his life and emotions as well, that in the end, he appeared being so out of life. So careless. Like he just gave up. First at his life, then at his lover, and in the end at himself. I'm so disappointed by his behavior you can't even imagine.

They could have had such a beautiful relationship. If only Iker could just, for one time in his life, stood up and be brave. Brave enough to decided about his life and his believes. I understand, it must be hard when having a world wide known father and his cold attitude but just … no, please. Can we go backwards and fix this mess?

I’ve already mentioned this above, and I hope I don’t sound so much like a broken record.

Iker would have a hard life in the future because he would eventually one day have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He’ll find himself in a position where he’s faced with what he’s done (or hasn’t done) and he’ll have to cope with that. I’d like to believe that in the real world, justice comes to those who have been wronged and that in all honesty, people who have hurt others will have to pay for what they’ve done. Maybe I’m a tad vengeful, but I think that’s how it should be.

Iker will one day be in that situation. He is very much a coward, and Eva is too. I think Eva is more sympathetic than Iker though, because she is in a more difficult spot. She does have a choice and she’s accepted her fate, but the alternative was to raise her child without a father or the support she would otherwise have had. I think that Eva was more or less making her decision to stay based on the welfare of her child, which opens up another door. I think that Iker and Eva’s child will have issues as well. I mean, in that sort of environment, how could it not? Which brings up another issue: how would Iker be as a parent? Would he go down the road of his father, or would he try to be a better man than his dad was?

That complete range of possible choices leads to so many potential conclusions. I think that leaving the ending slightly ambiguous like that also adds to the story because the reader can ask these questions and determine a result to their liking. Would Iker change one day? Maybe. Would he be a better dad? Potentially. And then again maybe not. Who knows?

Options like that can be mind-boggling, but at the same time if I had written out exactly what happened to them, I think that would’ve taken away from the emotion of the story. Stuff happens and people have to deal with it, but how they deal with it leads to interesting consequences.

This is so heart-breaking about this story. Because it didn't really make me cry. It didn't also make my heart explode with pain. Some stories have the ability to do so, though. But your writing and this storyline you developed brought me different kind of pain. The one that doesn't feel like sadness at all but it's so itching, so palpable. So there, I can feel it. It's the kind of sad that grows after a missed chance. When you knew that it was there, within your hand reach, it could change your life somehow and you just passed and walked by.

This, right here, is what I wanted to accomplish with the story. You’ve said it perfectly. I’m glad that I made you feel those things because that’s what I was shooting for. Crying is a side-effect and a response that happens sometimes, but that pain that twists your gut and makes your throat tighten is one that just aches so much. It hurts, physically and emotionally and I think that can make things worse. That ache is what I wanted people to feel (mostly cause I’m slightly sadistic XD).

Honestly, it’s my favorite kind of story when you have that ache and you can feel it. I love stories that are realistic romances with angst in them and that heart-twisting ache and then end on a slight upswing. My. Favorite. Kind. Of. Story. Ever. I love them. :)

I feel more Iker pain and sadness rather than the happiness and calmness Cesc was representing in that Epilogue. I hate Iker for being so full of secrets, so proud, so cold, so afraid, so awful towards Cesc in the end. But I also love him for choosing best for Cesc. I think, the way he behaved in the end, how he let him go… Knowing that if he would persuade Cesc to forgive him and he would abandon his father rules, in the end he will only hurt him. Maybe leave Cesc under pressure of society and his father. I want to believe that his behavior wasn't only this selfish, coward and egoistic but it was an result of the way he cared for him. Maybe not quite normal but just because he didn't love Cesc the way this 18 years old boy wanted him to, that doesn't mean he didn't love him at all. I believe he did. And this is the saddest part of it. He did really love him but somehow knew he couldn't manage this all, so he let him go.

I think this part is the most ambiguous because I didn’t write Iker’s feelings on the matter. I didn’t give the reader the look into his thoughts or feelings and I did that on purpose. I wanted the reader to fill in the gaps themselves and let them try to fill in the empty spaces. To rationalize why Iker did what he did (or really what he didn’t do) is a normal thing to do. Some people like to believe the best in people, like you have done, and others just would’ve assumed he was a cold-hearted bastard who didn’t ever really care about Cesc.

I can’t really comment so much on this part because it is a feature in the sequel (if and when I ever get to finishing that D:) so…you’ll have to be left in suspense about my thoughts on it for a bit longer, I’m afraid. :(

I do love the way you tried to rationalize what he did and why he would’ve done that. It’s a great insight to what my readers wanted to have happened. :)

Okay, I know. You probably sit here now thinking: 'This girl must be some kind of a retard'. But this is how stories, not only those on the internet but counting them as books, make me feel. I always get so attached to the characters, I go overanalyzing every party and lines and I look up for the solution. I know what I wrote here may be an utter bullshit because it's your storyline but not showing what Iker felt, maybe not showing in 100%, like you did in Cesc case, you left us, readers, the freedom to choose whatever we feel like happened in his mind. And I'm so thankful for this. Everyone is looking for a great romance but life, to be honest, it's quite different than what we expect it to be.

Honestly, I never thought that about you at all because you did something for me that not many have ever done for me before, at least never in so much detail and length. That’s great though, and I’m very very honored that you did do that for me ^.^ This entire review has been one of the best I’ve ever gotten and I love you for it. I’m never ever forgetting this one, either :D

I get concerned over my characters in stories I read, too. You’re not the only one. :D If it’s a story I like, I’m definitely going to be wanting to analyze things. I like knowing the ‘behind the scenes’ things as well. You’re perfectly normal to want to know these things. It’s a natural curiosity that it appears we both share :)

I'm thankful again you brought this story to an end, gave me two amazing days of entertainment and quite big range of feelings. I think I'm gonna start reading the sequel though I don't think you will continue writing it. Or maybe you will? And the Iker and Cesc puzzle will somehow come up again? And this time work out? No? Oxford made Cesc forget?

I’m going to finish it. I did write 50,000 words of it for last year’s NaNo, but haven’t posted them yet. Mostly because I wasn’t satisfied with what I wrote. It didn’t have the same depth of feeling that the original story had. That doesn’t sit well with me. So I’ve been slowly (due to time constrictions) reviewing and revising on it. I know it’s hard to wait on me, but I was thinking I’d edit it and then finish writing it in its entirety before I post any more of it. That way people won’t have to wait so long between chapters, and it’ll be all done. The only rough part is is waiting for me to do all that in the first place D:

As for your questions, you’ll just have to wait and see ;) It’s not often I give away spoilers! Except those hundred times that I do XD

To sum up, I love all the characters. Even Mourinho, though it's hard to say this but if not for him, Maria and Cristiano would be still somewhere around. I love how Cesc matured, how Bojan found his place in this world, how Raul and Pep showed us that true love and an honest relationship does exist. I love how even your worst enemies and fears can be destroyed with a help of those who truly care. I know, i know, i know. Those last lines sound a little bit like overloaded with pathos but right now, I'm not able to write it all in objective way.

I’m very, very pleased that you feel that way. I’m very pleased mostly because I actually wrote a story that people could see, feel, and relate to. That means a lot to me and that’s why this story means so much to me. It’s special; it’s my baby. It’s that first story that I ever finished and enjoyed every moment of.

The characters are their own story and range of feeling, but I wanted them to be as three-dimensional as possible. I wanted everyone to feel things for them, whether that was good or bad. I wanted my characters to be as realistic as possible. I’m so very, very glad that I succeeded because that was one of my greatest worries. “Was this tangible enough? Did that make sense? Do people like what this person did/said?” I just was so worried about so much of this that I’m relieved it paid off!

I hope you are not bored to death with it and you enjoyed a little bit of this review ;) I wish for you to never stop writing and still find it entertaining ;) Oh, I hope you will write me back as it will be amazing to know the story and characters from your perspective ;)

I greatly, greatly enjoyed this review completely. I’m just so sorry it took me so long to reply, but I wanted to do this review some serious justice. If you want to continue discussing it further, please do. I don’t mind at all! :D

Thank you so so much for writing this review. I truly do appreciate it ♥