tr_fic | Cesc/Nicky/Joey for Sarah :-)

Title: Lying To Myself
Pairing: Nicklas Bendtner/Cesc Fabregas/Joe Cole ; Nick/Cesc, Frank Lampard/John Terry, Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos, Iker/Cesc, Nicklas/Daniel Agger implied
Rating: R
Words: 941
A/N: For the awesome possum aka

pinktoothbrush8 who needs a helluva lot of cheering up. *hugs you sweetie* I told you this morning the fic fairy would leave you a present and see? Here it is! Wouldda been done earlier but school got in the way -_- Title and lj-cut text come from Breaking Benjamin’s Breath which is AWESOME. Sorry, it came out angsty-er than I intended.

If Joe Cole ever used the few moments that it would take to think about his personal situation, he would be more than a little afraid to see what the thoughts and observations would reveal. He was in love, not with only one person, but two. Two completely different and yet similar lovely men.

It wasn’t that they were men that bothered him so much. Nor was the fact that they were footballers from that team. No, what worried him was something that made everything so simple and yet complicated than worrying about if he was gay or not.

He wasn’t particularly worried about the gay thing. He had always had a pretty good idea that girls weren’t what he was in to. They were okay, but they didn’t light his fire or make him see stars when he brought himself off.

Some of the lads at Chelsea, a certain captain and vice captain combo, were ‘seeing’ each other as well. It wasn’t as if he was the only gay footballer in European football. Cesc reported on more than one occasion how well Iker and Sergio were doing together. Cesc said that in Spain things were more open and accepting. But this wasn’t Spain.

Joe wasn’t a fool; he knew what Cesc did when he was with the national call-ups. For that matter, he knew what Nicklas did as well. He only knew that Cesc would go to Iker. He didn’t know about Nicklas, but he had a pretty good idea that it was Agger.

It wasn’t that he was jealous; he was but only slightly. He worried for them, not for Cesc and Nicky but for them them. Sure Cesc and Nicklas came back to him, but for how long? How long would it be before they got tired of the blue-eyed boy from Camden?

Joe fidgeted with his hands. He was in his kitchen. His lovers were upstairs and asleep, curled around each other too, no doubt. The moonlight streamed in through the window but Joe didn’t notice or care. He couldn’t sleep; it wasn’t just because they were there either. Usually they calmed him, after a round of wonderful sex of course.

He felt stifled, felt weighed down by them. He hated to say it, hated to think it, but it didn’t change the fact. He loved them with his whole heart but it still hurt to think that they might leave him. The weight of being scared pushed down on him so hard that he had to leave their presence just to breathe.

“J-Joe?” Joe jumped a mile in his chair at the sound of Cesc’s sleepy, yawning voice. “What are you doing up?”

“Nothing, couldn’t sleep.” Joe offered a small smile in Cesc’s general direction.

“Well come on then, let’s get you back to bed.” Cesc yawned and walked closer to him. Cesc stood next to his chair, hand resting heavily on his shoulder.

He was so quiet that Joe wondered if Cesc had gone to sleep standing there. “C-Cesc?”

“Mmph?” Cesc made the noise and then yawned.

“Nothing. Just wanted to know if you were awake.” Joe whispered. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

Joe stood up and turned to go back upstairs when Cesc grabbed him and pulled him close. Joe breathed in the Spaniard’s scent and reveled in the peace that filled him.

“Love you Joey.” Cesc kissed Joe’s neck as he squeezed Joe in a hug.

“Love you too Cesc.” He did. More than anything.

“Let’s go see if Nicky is awake or—”

“Nicky is awake and wondering where the hell his two lovers went.” His voice carried into the room before he did. “What are you two doing?”

“Nothing.” Cesc and Joe said at the same time, then Cesc giggled making Joe smile.

Nick just crossed his arms and waited for them to move. Cesc moved from Joey and walked over and wrapped his arms around Nick. “Relax Nicky. We were only talking.”

“More like Cesc was sleepwalking.” Joey said and then joined them. Their arms opened and welcomed him instantly, drowning him in warmth. Joey closed his eyes and confessed. “I love you both.”

Cesc made a happy noise as Nick spoke. “We love you too, more than anything.”

Cesc made a noise of contentment as he squeezed them tighter. Still, Joe was unsure.

“Really?” Joe hated that he had to ask but he did.

Cesc laughed. “Of course silly. What did you think we were going to leave you or something?”

Nick and Cesc laughed; Joe did not. Cesc stopped laughing quickly. “Joey…? We wouldn’t do that you know.”

“I know.” Joey said quickly, too quickly.

Nicky pulled back first and looked Joe in the eyes. “We’re a little unconventional, but we do love you. You love us don’t you?”

“Of course I do! Too much probably!” Joey answered.

“Then what’s wrong? Why would you think we don’t love you?” Cesc asked, tilting his head.

“You…your…others.” Joey bumbled.

“Others?” Nick asked.

“Agger and Iker.” Joey blushed and looked down, ashamed.

“Oh, those others.” Cesc got it. “We can stop doing that…we should have any way.”

“But you love them.” Joey mumbled.

“We love you more.” Nick replied sternly.

Joey looked up and saw the honesty in both their expressions. “You’d do that for me?”

They nodded. Joey rushed forward and pulled them close, kissing every bit of them he could reach. Cesc made a contented noise again as Nick kissed him back.

“Can we go back to worrying about who loves who more?” Cesc asked. “After we go back to sleep?”

Joey laughed and took their hands. “Sure Cescito.”